As a fledgling yogi, I was somewhat ignorant with regard to who I was, separate from my physical body. I believe this is one of the major reasons I had such a difficult time adjusting to my debilitating back injury. I didn’t think I was myself anymore because my body wouldn’t function in the way I was used to it functioning. Thankfully, as I began to practice yoga more I began to feel better, and the better I felt the more I started to feel like myself again. At first I thought this was a good thing, but as the months went on and my practice grew stronger and stronger, I realized I was falling into the same trap that had caused me pain in other areas throughout my life. My ego began to play games with me by no longer being satisfied with the small gains in my practice that I used to accept with gratitude and contentment. Instead, I began to leave practice wondering how much longer it would be before I became stronger, more flexible, and more capable. I began to substitute my gentle flow classes with more and more advanced classes, and I began to feel like I let myself down if I didn’t get two practices in every day. I became extremely attached to how I was improving in my practice, and became frustrated and worried that I might not continue to get better if I missed class or had to slow down when I wasn’t feeling well. At one point I broke a toe (in a non yoga related incident!) and I nearly went into a full panic thinking I would not be able to practice for a while and I would lose everything I had gained. I clearly did not understand that the most important work going on was not on my mat, but inside of me.
It didn’t take me long to realize that this was an unhealthy pattern that I had repeatedly practiced with every form of physical activity I had ever been involved in throughout my life, whether it was running, triathlon training, or weight lifting. Fortunately, because I was simultaneously reading a variety of yoga books and studying the philosophy of yoga, I was able to recognize this unhealthy pattern of behavior at work in my life, so that I could work on it before I seriously injured myself. This is always a work in progress. None of us ever figure this out completely. Every day, we have to practice. Practice on the mat. Practice off the mat. Yoga. Yes.